from Sacred Space

Here’s a nice thought that is good to keep returning to:

A physicist once gave me the ‘Ladybird’ version of electrons. He emphasised that reality as we know it is marvellously interconnected. Electrons at either end of the universe vibrate in synchronicity with one another. ‘So true is this’ he said ‘that we can’t understand anything by itself, but only in its connectedness.

Everything is somehow in touch with everything else. And everyone is linked with everyone else, past, present and future. This means that only when the last of us has been gathered in will we know the full story of the human race. Think of history as being a bit like a cosmic joke: while you’re telling a joke, people are puzzled. They wonder how the story is going to work out. Only with the punch line do they get the point and laugh.’

So with the human story: we must be patient. God indeed exists, but so also does dreadful evil. God works within what is bad to bring good out of it. We see this in the Passion with the eyes of faith. What was the worst of Fridays becomes Good Friday only because of the love involved. This love cuts across the downward spiral of evil, sin and death and it opens up to us God’s world, a new world of freedom and love. At the end we will see how love has transformed all the sorrow and pain and tragedy of our story. Only then will the laughter begin, laughter of the purest and most liberating kind. This laughter will be led by the three divine Persons who always intended that things would end well and who laboured mightily to bring this about. ‘Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh’ (Luke 6:21).

Dei Ut Videam

I came to this retreat to mark the end and beginning of another chapter in my life. It marks the end of my graduate studies, my dream to have a Master’s Degree in Education (M.Ed.), which seredipitously ended the day before my retreat!

I came to the retreat with many things to be grateful for.  My second graduate school diploma, my supportive and loving husband, especially our life here in Singapore.  Concluding my studies meant facing a new fork in the road for me, not just owing to the natural consequence of finding a job but also for personal reasons. It was the beginning of planning for my family, our family with Erwin. It meant that I need to come here and try to consider options, particularly adoption, which seemed to be one of the stronger alternatives to me right now.  On first blush, I really preferred not to, because of the simple reason that being a mother is evidently a choice after finding out that we, as a couple, cannot conceive naturally.  I would be lying if I say it is a situation that I am content with.  Being an educator, it is my dream to have a real biological, happy family, but the reality is at least for now, that possibility is not in our horizon.

My husband wants to and is ready to adopt, and because we promised to unite with each other in our marriage, I would want to be of one mind with him on this decision.  After all, it is part of my duty as his wife to understand all his needs.  But in order to be completely sure in my mind and heart, I needed soul searching.  In my reflection, I read about the meaning of vocation.  Somehow reading the words of Pope John Paul II brought tears to my eyes, and I felt afraid because of the enormity of the responsibility and the leap of faith this decision demands out of me, with regard to adoption.  He says:

“Do not be afraid of the radicalness of His demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is prepared to give Himself to you, as well as asking of you.  If he asks much from you, it is because He knows you can give much.”

“Yes Christ calls you, but he calls you in truth.  His call is demanding bec He invites you to let yourselves ‘be captured’ by Him completely so that your whole lives will be seen in a different light.  Let yourselves be seen by Jesus and try to live just for Him.”

I am not saying that the words made me jump up to say YES to adoption, but at least it made me see the reasons why my husband welcomes it to bind our future family together.  I was touched at the same time, I felt like a child throwing a mental tantrum in front of Our Lord, because I was rendered helpless by the simultaneous appeal and repugnance of what this vocation demands.

It is something I could never do, being an adoptive mother on my own, or even with the extraordinary help of my exceedingly supportive husband.  It required a total dependence on Him, more than I would probably need at any point in my life.  But saying yes to this call beckoned at me, because it came with a promise that my “life will be seen in a different light” and that He will never leave me.  My understanding collided with my fears and it created a whirlwind of emotons: Indignance: Why me, Lord? Despair: Am I supposed to accept my situation and stop praying for a baby miracle? Misery: What did we do to deserve this? Desperation: Lord I beg of you not to give me this vocation!

 How was I supposed to figure this out?

Talking to the priest and a kind director helped frame my situation.  I took comfort in the fact that my situation would be uncertain either way; meaning had I been granted a biological child, the fears of motherhood would be no diiffent.  However I needed to deepen my connection in spiritual formation to know God’s Will.  Saying yes is also abandoning myself to His Will and not putting obstacles in His path to grant me the grace of illumination.  But I have to seek actively, with tenacity and fortitude.  And I am confident with persistence to the best of my human ability, God will grant me the answers.

Today’s talk about the parable of Our Lord and Peter perhaps depicts my situation.  After a full night of fishing in vain, Jesus asks Peter to go deeper into the water and cast his net, Duc in Altum. Peter, bone-weary after cleaning his net from a night of unproductive fishing, almost protests to Our Lord saying that he has not caught a single fish all night. (The priest even jokes that maybe Peter thought: But I’m the Fisherman; You’re a Carpenter!)   But perhaps a look from Our Lord was enough to renew his trust as he obeyed.  To everyone’s amazement (including the crowd gathered) the boat almost sunk from the weight of too much fish that were caught in the nets!

 I feel like Peter at this point, after going through the emotional labor of this entire experience.  I feel like telling our Lord that I am tired and I just want to close this chapter to never look back and just move on with my life.  But no, He is asking me to dig deep into my soul, to make a leap, to seek Him out; to know His Will, and to lose myself so that I may find Him in the process.

For now I take comfort in the fact that the process has helped me unpack what my real vocation means.  Without this experience, I would probably just move on through life, not bothering to consider closely the decisions I need to make.  As a good friend put it: I am like a bamboo that just bends with the direction of the wind. I dont really take a stand because my life events just unfold, and I go with the flow.  Well now, perhaps I first need to be broken to know which direction I need to bend.

Remembering Mama Mary provides me the courage to continue, and I pray to her for strength and intervention.  She was confronted with an even more earth shattering decision, but she recieved it with humility and devotion.  My predicament is not even, in miniscule terms, comparable to hers and thinking of that makes me turn to her for consolation.

For now, I will say this prayer until I find resolution in this decision.  It too, is from JP2’s book:

 “Lord, help me to see (Lk 18:41). Help me, Lord to see what is Your Will for me at every moment especially help me to see what is Your Design of love for the whole of my life that is my vocation.  Give me the generosity to say YES to You and to be faithful to you in whatever path you mark out for me.” Amen.